"Semi-Poetic Justice: We've Grepped A Little List"


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From those wonderful folks (me) who brought you those Dern Internet Song Parodies like "Batch Up Your Shellscripts", "I Get No CIX Out of You", and "When You're Still on the Net...":

by Daniel P. Dern ddern@world.std.com>

Copyright (c) 1994, 1997 Daniel P. Dern

"I care not who writes the Internet's RFCs, so
long as I can keep writing these song parodies."

To the tune of "I've Got a Little List" from THE MIKADO by Gilbert & Sullivan (give or take a little forcing on the scansion) (and I think there's a Karaoke MIDI file somewhere on the net, for those unfamiliar with the tune). Someday if I get a chance I'll add a version with 'scan marks' to help it be sung.)

Other notes and pointers:

  • To follow the continuing saga of events referenced herein and their like, start with the Usenet news.admin.* Newsgroups, notably news.admin.net-abuse.misc.
  • Gilbert & Sullivan fans may want to check out the Gilbert & Sullivan Web Page at: http://diamond.idbsu.edu/gas/GaS.html.
  • A lot, sadly, has happened in the saga of the Net vs. net- abusers; however, for now, I'm not going to try and update the lyrics. Depressingly, they're still far too close to accurate.

Copyright (c) 1994, 1997 Daniel P. Dern. May be freely reposted to mailing lists, Usenet Newsgroups, Web sites, and other free-for-access online sites/forums, providing this notice is intact; all other interested parties please contact author.

Pronunciation notes for newcomers -- In names of things:
"."
is pronounced as "dot", e.g., .sig = "dot sig" (with the possible exception of "MAKE.MONEY.FAST" where the "."s are done as pauses, i.e. "make money fast")
"*"
is pronounced "star", e.g., news.admin.* = "news dot admin dot star" (except in names where the "*" is used to blank out the vowels)
"/"
is pronounced "slash" e.g., /pub = "slash pub"

As some day it may happen that a user must be flamed
  We've grepped a little list -- we've kept a little list.
Of netiquette offenders who have shown they're not ashamed,
  And never would be missed -- who never would be missed!
There's the pestilential lawyers who carpet-bomb and spam --
Flooding sites with endless copies and then boast "How smart I am" --
And claim "It's not illegal so it must surely be OK" --
And cannot take a hint that we just wish they'd go away --
And haven't figured out that there's net.wizards getting pissed --
  If they don't cease and desist, well, they'd neither one be 
     missed!

CHORUS:
  We've got them on our list -- and you can bet 
    we're mighty pissed;
  If they don't cease and desist -- well, they'll 
    none of them be missed.

There's the users who discover and revive those hoary ghosts,
  We add them to our lists -- we've got THEM on our lists!
Like David Rhodes' MAKE.MONEY.FAST, and "Global Warning" posts,
  They never would be missed -- They never would be missed! 
Then the newcomers who lambast in effusive ASCII tone, 
All services but theirs and every network but their own;
And the newbie from the BBS who think's netiquette's for squares,
And "doesn't like Usenet conventions and thinks we should switch to 
     theirs";
And those posting via "anonymous" as acts of cowardice --
  I don't think they'd be missed -- I'm SURE they'd not be missed!

CHORUS:
  We've got them on our list -- and you can bet 
    we're mighty pissed;
  If they don't cease and desist -- well, they'll 
    none of them be missed.

And when you find a user who clearly doesn't have a clue,
  Tell them "Read the F-A-Qs! -- they'll tell you what to do!"
They're regularly reposted in the news.answers group --
  news.announce.newusers, too -- they're waiting there for you.  (1)
Or anonymous-FTP to rtfm.mit.edu --
And _cd_ to /pub/answers -- They're archived here for you --     (2)
Failing that, email to mail-server@rtfm.mit.edu --
Just put "help" in the message and you'll learn what you 
     can do --
Or read books like Dern's, Howe's, Kehoe's, Gilster's, Fisher's, 
    and Levine's to name a few --                                (3)
  We wrote 'em just for you -- go out and buy a few!

CHORUS:
  So if you find a newbie who -- clearly hasn't got a clue
  What you ought to do --  is help them get the FAQ.

And when it seems the only option left is: retaliate --
  Here's what you ought to do -- here's what we ask you do.
Start with peaceful resolution before you escalate --
  It's worth a try or two -- you'd want it done for you.         (4)
Email them once or twice, then contact their sysadmin;
Try postmaster@site.domain (or phone your complaint in).
If that don't work, trot out KILL files, mail filters and cancel 
     'bots;
Alert news.admin.* and their provider, do retro-mod -- unleash 
     the lot!
But don't 'sendsy bomb' the site or hack into their machine --
  You'll hurt innocent bystanders -- which most agree is mean.   (5)

CHORUS:
  We've got them on our list -- and you can bet 
    we're mighty pissed --
  If they don't cease and desist -- well, they'll 
    none of them be missed!

And that S**d*r A**g*c nuisance whose auto-'bot is rather rife,
  And the bulk mail marketists -- We've got _them_ on the list!
All trollers, baiters, forgers, spammers, 'phobes and "get-a-life's" --
  They never would be missed -- they'd none of them be missed.
And cross-posters whose follow-up: and to: lists fill the screen,
Such as "what'dye call 'em" and "foo at bar" and likewise -- y'know 
     who I mean --
And "dot dot dot" and "Oh _that_ domain" and likewise you know who --
But the task of filling up the blanks I'd rather share with YOU.

For it really DOES matter who we put upon the list,
  For we'd like them to be missed else the 'net won't long exist!.

CHORUS:
  We've got them on our list -- and you can bet we're mighty pissed --
  If they don't cease and desist -- well, they'll NONE of them be missed!

Note:
(1) To help this line scan, don't pronounced the "."s
(2) According to the message at rtfm.mit.edu as of May 16, 1994, 
    other *.answers archive sites include:
  North America: ftp.uu.net             in /usenet/news.answers
  Europe:        ftp.uni-paderborn.de   in /pub/FAQ
                 ftp.Germany.EU.net     in /pub/newsarchive/news.answers
                 grasp1.univ-lyon1.fr   in /pub/faq
                 ftp.win.tue.nl         in /pub/usenet/news.answers
  Asia:          nctuccca.edu.tw        in /USENET/FAQ

  You can also find lots of FAQs at http://www.faq.org.
(3) Not to mention LaQuey, Stoll, Fraase, Krol and more on the way!
    (see Kevin Savetz' bibliography in at http://www.savetz.com)
(4) Among other things, bear in mind that some of the annoying posts are 
    forged, or done at unattended logged-in terminals.  Not all, tho.
(5) And possibly actionable -- a pretty how-de-do indeed.

/dpd, 1994


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Last modified: Tuesday, 16-Oct-2001 11:08:15 EDT